Treasure trove of my favorite Soviet Jokes
Some say the conditions of the people under the brutal communist regime was so heartbreaking the people had to come with dark jokes as a coping mechanism. Whatever the reason, here is my favorite one.
A Russian was so done with the communist regime he went to St. Petersburg Square and yelled “BREHZNEV IS AN IDIOT!” He was promptly arrested and sentenced to ten years of rigorous imprisonment. 1 year for abusing the state leader and 9 years for betraying a state secret.
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The regional KGB headquarters in Arkhangelsk suffered a major fire and was almost completely destroyed. Shortly after, a man called looking for help.
“I’m sorry, we can’t do anything,” said the receptionist. “The KGB has burnt down.”
Five minutes later, the receptionist received another call. “I’m sorry, we can’t help. The KGB has burnt down.”
Another five minutes passed, and the phone rang again. The receptionist recognised the voice as the man who’d twice called previously.
“Why do you keep calling? I told you that the KGB has burnt down.”
“I know. I just like hearing it.”
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A schoolboy wrote in his weekly essay: “My cat just had seven kittens. They’re all communist.”
The following week, the boy wrote: “my cat’s kittens are all capitalist.”
The teacher called him up and asked him to explain the sudden change. “Last week, you said they were all communists!”
The boy nodded. “They were, but this week they all opened their eyes.”
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A judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. "I just heard the funniest joke in the world!" "Well, go ahead, tell me!" says the other judge. "I can't – I just gave someone ten years for it!"
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"Who built the White Sea Canal?" – “The left bank was built by those who told the jokes, and the right bank by those who listened.”
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Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In the newspaper office, a discussion is underway about how to caption the picture. "Comrade Khrushchev among pigs," "Comrade Khrushchev and pigs," and "Pigs surround comrade Khrushchev" are all rejected as politically offensive. Finally, the editor announces his decision: "Third from left – comrade Khrushchev."
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An old Soviet communist was lying on his deathbed with his comrades all around him. He wanted to confess before dying.
"Misha, remember in 1921 when you were almost executed? It was me. I reported you to the Cheka. I'm sorry"
"All is forgiven, Comerade", Misha replies
"Petya, remember in 1937 when you were sentenced to 25 years of gulag? Well, it was I who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me"
"You are forgiven, no hard feelings", says Petya
"Vasya, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day."
"Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace", says Vasya
"Thank you all for being with me for all these years", says the old communist, as the tears come pouring down his face. "I'm sorry for betraying you all, I hope you will forgive me"
His friends are all touched by his words. He draws his final breath and says
"In honour of our friendship I have one last wish before I die, you see that cactus over there on the window sill? When I die, I want you to ram it up my butthole as hard as you can"
The communist then died before any of his friends could say anything.
Vasya grabs the cactus, and shoves it ups the old communist's ass while the other two help hold the communist's legs up.
Suddenly there's someone banging on the door and shouting "KGB open up, we've received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death."
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It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland. As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;
"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"
The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.
There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and they then hear the same voice;
"One Finnish soldier is better than a hundred of yours!"
Annoyed, the Soviet general sends hundred men to capture the hill. There is gunfire and bombs going for ten minutes, and everything goes silent again. Suddenly, the same voice yells out;
"One Finnish soldier is better than thousand of Soviet soldiers!"
Enraged, the general sends a thousand men, accompanied with tanks, artillery, mortar teams, and tells them to not return until the hill is theirs.
For half an hour hell breaks loose, bombs and explosions, gunfire, screams and death all around, and then it goes silent again.
One Soviet soldier crawls back, severely wounded and battered.
Before the general could say anything, the soldier says;
"Do not send more troops, comrade general, it's a trap! There is two of them."
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During glasnost and perestroika - a man is standing in line to purchase meat for several hours when it is announced that the supplies have run out and there is no more for that day. While he loudly complains about the government's inability to provide for its citizens, a man in a trench coat wearing dark glasses approaches him and says, "please comrade - calm yourself, need I remind you that not so long ago you would be shot for such an outburst?" Our man thanks the stranger and walks home; his wife sees him coming up the walk empty-handed and meets him at the door; "Don't tell me, they ran out of meat again?!" "No", he says, "it's worse - now they're out of bullets."
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Moscow. Two friends meet: How are you, Sasha? Serghei, my friend, life is great! Really? Have you read the newspapers? Of course, how else would I know?
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"hey comrade, what are you doing there, laying down on the tracks?"
"I'm waiting to be run over by the first train that'll pass here. Life sucks *sob*"
"Why did you bring all those rations though?"
"Well, I don't want to starve..."
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A man goes to the train station and sees a policeman and comes up to him and asks:
"do you know whether the train is coming soon"
"oh yes, very soon. They are building one right now"
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Gorbachev comes to the United States to meet with Reagan for an official visit, and spends the night in the Lincoln bedroom. The next morning the two meet again over breakfast:
Reagan asks: "Well, Mr. Premier, did you enjoy the Lincoln bedroom? How did you sleep?
Gorby replies: "Oh, Mr. President, it was wonderful! I slept like baby, had most pleasant dream!"
Reagan: "Oh? What was it?"
Gorby: "I dreamed I was soaring high over DC, and there was big flag with writing on it, waving over White House. The writing said, "Soviet States of America"!
Amazed, Reagan responds: "Really?! That's incredible! I had a very similar dream! I was soaring high over the streets of Moscow, and saw the Kremlin- it also had a big red flag with writing flying over it!"
Puzzled, Gorby asks: "So? Nothing unusual there...Kremlin always has big red flag flying over it. What did writing say?"
Reagan shrugged, and said: "Well, I don't know. I can't read Chinese."
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A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard and is able to buy for his very first home, a condominium apartment. So he throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.
“What is that for?” he asks.
His host says “That is my talking American clock.”
“Really?...How does it work?”
“I will show you.”
The host takes the metal pot, places it next to the wall and bangs on it with the hammer till the next door neighbor yells: “It’s three o’clock in the morning you idiot!”
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